Jimmy the Magician

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” I thought of this famous opening line from Anna Karenina as Hazel and I were contemplating a serious dilemma. We had just spent a month working with orphans and children from slums, witnessing poverty, suffering, and challenges beyond what we had ever experienced. And yet, when you have your own crisis, it seems as big as anything, because it’s yours and no one else is going to solve it for you.

Our crisis was the toilet. Or rather, it was Aunt Lucy, because of the toilet. For our week-long stay in Manila, Hazel’s dad’s side of the family had allowed us to use their condo, owned collectively by the sibling group of 13. It was in a brand-new building, still getting paint trim and finishes. Because it was owned and used by so many people, there was a detailed instruction book with very specific do’s and don’ts. This was created by Aunt Lucy. She was the oldest, and very particular about how things ought to and would be done. Aunt Lucy was one of those people who, while beloved, could also strike fear into the heart of anyone who crossed her, wittingly or not.

Among the instructions about how to track water usage, the exact number of kitchen utensils, and the proper way to clean before leaving, was this clear line, separated in its own paragraph for attention:

Do not flush the toilet paper.

When we first read it, it didn’t even register because of course we knew that most toilets in the Philippines couldn’t handle flushed toilet paper. Every bathroom had a small, lined, covered garbage can where used paper was wrapped and disposed. King’s Garden Children’s Home, where we had stayed for the past three weeks, was built to Western standards and we could use the bathroom normally. But in any restaurant or other public place, the garbage can was standard.

We got to the condo after a long morning of good-byes, an hour-long ferry ride, and a tour of the neighborhood while Hazel’s two elderly aunts were trying to remember how to find the parking garage entrance (After 15 minutes of wandering, they turned around and quipped, “We used to be beautiful and intelligent. Now we are just beautiful!”).

After making a quick stop, I confessed to Hazel that I had momentarily forgotten the instructions and had flushed a very small amount of toilet paper. She had done the same thing. We didn’t think too much of it.

However, we quickly noticed the toilet was having…trouble. The water sort of disappeared, eventually. It never gave a nice whoosh. After a few days, it was getting worse, so we started googling. We tried boiling water. We tried dish soap. We bought a plunger. We tried all these things many, many times. It sometimes seemed to help. But nothing fixed it. We started to get worried.

“I can’t tell Aunt Lucy! She’ll be so mad!” Hazel and I contemplated our options. It seemed that we didn’t have too many. I prayed, almost jokingly, but not really. I was scared of Aunt Lucy too, and I had never even met her. “I’ve got it! I’ll call my cousin. She’ll know what to do.” Patty was Aunt Lucy’s daughter, and was gregarious, kind, funny, and resourceful. She came over to help us problem solve. She didn’t want us to have to tell her mom, either.

She walked in the condo with a large mop bucket. “This is how we fix things in the Third World!” She laughed. She filled the bucket with water and instructed Hazel to fill the second mop bucket with water too. The idea was to keep pouring in water until the pressure forced the block from the pipes. She said it worked every time! So we tried it. And we tried it again. And again. And again. Patty finally conceded that it wasn’t working. There must be another problem.

She sighed. “I think we’re going to have to tell my mom.” We all grimaced. “I know, I’ll trap her!” Patty dialed her mom and asked, “Hi mom! You know when you’re out in a public place and they don’t have a garbage can next to the toilet? What do you do? ….uh huh….mmmm…..mhmmm….really? You do?”

I whispered to Hazel, “I don’t think this conversation is going the way we want it too….”

After 10 minutes, Patty got off the phone. She was hoping her mom would have confessed to occasionally flushing toilet paper, but no such luck. Aunt Lucy dutifully wrapped everything up and found a garbage can to dispose of it, with militant consistency. Patty had to explain the situation with the condo. This started a group conversation with the entire extended family on their family message app about our toilet problem. One option surfaced that it could have been faulty plumbing, because that small amount of paper really shouldn’t have caused this much of a problem.

We called the building maintenance. They explained that they would be happy to look at the problem and fix it if they could. However, if they found any trace of toilet paper, we would be responsible for a $300 bill for their trouble. We gulped. That stung. But maybe it was a faulty part? It was such a small amount of toilet paper. Either way, it needed to be fixed.

Patty stayed to help translate for the maintenance personnel, while I excused myself to find some WiFi. When I returned several hours later, Hazel couldn’t stop laughing as she told me what I missed.

The doorbell rang and Jimmy was there to fix the toilet. He slipped off his sandals, as is customary, and went into the bathroom to look. He removed the toilet, and unflushed things therein contained came gushing out, all over his bare feet. As he started disassembling parts, there were two small bits of toilet paper, red-handed evidence of our indiscretion. Jimmy determined that there was indeed a faulty part. But there was also toilet paper.

Hazel and Patty exchanged glances. This was not good. Hazel whispered to Patty, “Um, do you think we could, you know, give Jimmy some extra money…?”

“Bribe him? Yes, that’s a great idea!”

“How do you know how much? I’ve never done this before!”

While Jimmy was busy fixing things, Hazel and Patty emptied their wallets and sorted out cash on hand, trying to stifle their laughter at the ridiculous predicament. Patty determined that 500 Pesos was the right amount. “You have to hold it in your hand, rolled up so it’s not too obvious, but he can still see the color of the money and know how much it is.” Hazel practiced out of sight from the bathroom door.

Patty started talking with Jimmy, thanking him for his hard work. She explained that her poor American cousin wasn’t used to the Philippines, but was visiting to help orphans. Orphans! Wasn’t that so nice of her? Jimmy nodded. Hazel tried her best innocent/sympathy face, while Patty continued saying how Jimmy was doing such a great job to find the faulty piece and could we give him a tip for all his service? Patty gave Hazel the look, and Hazel awkwardly held out her fist with the bills sticking out. Jimmy looked at the money, looked at his very messy hands, and sort of shrugged. He couldn’t really take anything at that very moment. Hazel looked at Patty with a panic. Did it work? “So, Jimmy, will everything be ok?” He replied that he was happy to accept the tip for his service, but he had already reported to his supervisor on his progress. Patty turned to Hazel and in English explained, “Ok, maybe another 250 pesos for her. Jimmy wants the money, he’s already in. He’ll convince her too.”

When the supervisor arrived, Hazel was ready with her new-found expertise in holding the bills rolled up just right. Patty began explaining again about the orphans, Orphans! Jimmy chimed in to tell her he really had found a faulty part. He showed her the piece in careful detail, clearly demonstrating a manufacturer’s error. The supervisor began to nod. Patty gave a nod and Hazel whipped out the money, artfully revealing just a bit of the color as she profusely thanked the supervisor for all her help.

The supervisor paused. Then nodded. “It does look like a faulty piece. Cheap investors who always try to take shortcuts…” The crowd nodded. “Jimmy will get it replaced. The building doesn’t charge for faulty equipment.” Patty smiled. Hazel smiled. Jimmy looked at the 500 pesos on the table and smiled.

They toilet was quickly fixed and the bathroom cleaned and bleached. The total cost? $15.

When I returned, it took Hazel about 10 minutes to finish the story between all the laughter at the situation. She couldn’t believe what had happened, and still wasn’t sure what to think about it, but we were both impressed by Patty’s negotiating skills and Hazel’s newfound insight into how things get done in the Philippines. And the toilet now flushed with the loveliest “whoosh” you ever heard!